Living under a cloud

I spent a good deal of my life trying to get out from under a cloud that seemed to follow me around, the kind of 'trying' that probably made me rather difficult to be around on occasion.  This cloud meant that despite my talents and aspirations, I seemed to be unable to move forward with my own life and remained anchored to an aspect of my past. Most frustrating.  I was assured that various self help strategies or therapist-led sessions would liberate me but they were only ever partially effective.  I tried many modalities over the years but old patterns would still be inadvertently triggered and I always felt it was one step forward, two steps back.  The effect of this anchor wore away at my resolve to get somewhere in life, especially as I watched the backs of all those who steamed past me. 

Beneath the frustration I longed for real freedom. Sometimes this had me seek pastures new, and the stimulation was useful in encountering friendships and experiences that taught me the intricacies of relating to others. I learned deeply and thoroughly because I had a subconscious need to know, to understand, and yes, to fix. And learn I did, oh so painfully, for I couldn't give up until I found my answers. Over time I reconstructed a present-day version of my past so that I could face and understand my pain; I fell apart before reigniting my spark, then I began the long climb back to my old self. But this time, I didn't stop there - I steamed past my old self, resolving to become stronger than ever before. 

I entered a long period of clearing away all that undermined me in any way as I saw people and situations in a new light.  It was during this clearing process that I stared into the face of what had held me back for all those years, and I knew it was time to make a major cut. I had stripped away many layers of painful memories to reach that place, and I knew I was ready to do what I had always feared.  It was knowing myself that held me steady as I processed that experience, and then as a much lighter wave of grief swept through me, I knew the process was complete. I was finally free. 

Within hours, the pressure I couldn't remember being without began to lift; a new feeling of positivity and optimism began to swell within me, and I began to feel that long forgotten spring of joy bubbling up inside me. That realisation of my inner freedom was pure magic, not to mention my newfound ability to work steadily through new learning situations and actually start completing things.  I found I can actually build something new for myself.  But more importantly, I realised I can utilize my experiences to help others find freedom from their past.  So through the use of my various tools, intuition and healing ability, that's what my aim for the future is. 


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